Wrecked soul.

She learnt to see with her eyes closed, ignore what the heart felt, she listened to reason,gave in to challenge,  paid attention, close attention that she became wise enough to know when to walk away, making an iron wall around her, but she never knew that her heart was growing cold, that her humanity was drying up,  the what that made who she was faded, she became cold and cared not, she was a lost black sheep, whose shame showed no regrets, worse she began to love it,for it was the only way she could avoid pain, so the good in her she buried, and deep into the darkness she walked, only light bright enough to wipe her history and re-write her story would rescue her, only a past so dark would show her the light, only that which was impossible, a miracle.

She feared not being a walking dead, for it was a clear fact that no one mourned her, it was time for her to be free in her own cage, a cage she could control, in her darkness,with her cold heart and lost part of her, but was there stubborn pieces of goodness that could be salvaged?  Was there a light so strong to save a lost soul? Was there hope? Was there?

My theory of pain.

I have a theory, in a moment of impact, intense repeated pain, its fear that creeps in, and in pain you find pleasure, in that moment you wish for a change but then, its just a repeat for over and over you’ve been there, you just wanna let go, so in that moment, you wish that you would just forget, amnesia, but is it what you get?


Shh-I beg for silence. 

I want silence, but the whispers are too loud,

How do i open my mouth, when i shiver from the sight of that which terrifies my heart.

 Am sure it was a “hallo” that escaped my mouth, but why am i getting a, “its okay,you run along,see you around,” reply? Its crazy how my heart makes my body do that which the heart wants. Is maths this complicated? Someone please tell me why do i keep count of the good nights, see you tomorrow, i noticed they are too many in a day,  how do i count every word over and over? 

Over and over, re-reading my text, the whispers say that i have found me in someone else. I want silence, to think of what she said, the old lady, i was crazy she said, she wouldn’t understand how one would laugh out loud by looking at their phone, i couldn’t agree more, ain’t  it what this fire makes us all, crazy?

I want silence, to fantasize in peace, to feel the butterflies, see the roses, to close my eyes and see that face, oh that face that gives me sleepless nights. To sing in silence, there is fire in my heart, to argue and make up, silence to have this dream, to live in this dream, its a dream, don’t wake me up, if you do, if you wake me up, be one in my dream.

Standing accused. 

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Accused, criticized,over looked, you stand,

Crucified,abused, humiliated, their fingers pointed to you, their voices louder in their heads, the eyes telling more than the hypocrisy in their mouth, them of no sin, you wonder who made them judges.

Your fears, shortcomings, your voice, you, they that live not their lives, they have made  you a judge over  your life, in your moment of despair, pain,  loneliness, insecurity, you saw your flaws, you became aware of the inferior you, then you judged you. You forgot about you, you lost yourself. 

A revelation, you became aware of you, cared not for adoration or acceptance, closed not your eyes, in a vision, you become  a goddess, you put on your dancing shoes, the beautiful dress they had judged, your hands  raised  and with no care of what the world thought, you danced your way to freedom. You cared not, they called you crazy, had they not smeared mud all over you already? They had done their worse, you expectations were less.

 The dance, never stopping, you danced in their heads, their lives, around them, before them, across, on them, them who had judged, it pissed them off, hate chocked them, they couldn’t stand it, they watched and with every step they had nothing more to judge, it amused them, too much that they judged themselves. 

They covered their loud mouths, lowered their eyes, walked in silence, solitude and fear of who they had become.Shame had invaded them.

You beat the drums, set the music for them to dance, but you cared not if they did, on and on you danced, only a few understood,but the dancing never stopped. 

 

Alone Loner

Am falling in a deep hole, too deep that I have given up help,

Dark, so dark that it has swallowed my will, afloat i go,my eyes closed,

This little space is suffocating me, it got my hands tied up, my eyes closed and my ears waxed, how is that I’ll ask for help, desperate,depressing, deep and deep i fall.

How is it possible when they all are watching, smiling at me? I need help.

Do they know i need help? Do they know their smile hurts me?

Oh,  are they stepping on me? Their toes are hot, the pain. 

The pleasure, tell me now, why am i finding pleasure in pain?

Ain’t this been too long? Someone please, i need out.

Where is that light at the end of the tunnel?  Am falling too deep,

Can someone rescue me? No, I forgot, there is a heavy chain around my neck, 

Where is the knight in a shinning armour? Get me that, or a dragon to breathe fire, to burn it up,

This hole needs some smoke, a signal to tell them, am still here.

Am relaxed,  feeling at home, am i making good out of a bad situation? Oh, the whisper, “it all gets better.”  Its soothing me, sending shivers, what did it say? Is my mind playing tricks? 

The higher power, its working,  I believe, I trust, but I need more light, oh God, dear Jesus, you got me?

Please rescue me, am still here, falling and hoping, my going down this hole, is my ladder to going up.